Store run!

Gotta love how a quick trip to the store can once again show me what is wrong on this planet.

Dear Bagboy, I really do not need my eggs pre-scrambled. I am quite competent in the kitchen and can manage this function myself.

As for all you skinny little buys with your britches hanging out, once again I will say if I want to look at boxers I will go the men's section in Walmart.

Women. At some point you have to realize you are too big for thongs. In fact either of your legs by itself would be too big for a thong. If you insist on wearing thongs you should at least consider a mumu to prevent severe vision loss from innocent bystanders such as myself.

Moon landing. Fact or fiction?

So a co-worker asked me if I believed in the moon landing. I said "No, it's always been in orbit, it's never landed anywhere."

I left him sobbing and mumbling.......

WINNER!! WINNER!! WINNER!!

Bear with me.  This guy is today's winner.

West 52 guy in the black 80s Mercury Grand Marquis this morning.
#1.  You were obviously very clever about hiding the fact you were talking on your cell phone while driving.  Leaning down low on the door armrest and barely holding the phone against your face as if you were leaning on your hand was a marvelous deception technique!  You would have had everyone fooled except for.........
#2.  You were leaning down so far to the left that you kept drifting into the lane to your left,  Could you not tell you were driving by Braille?  The rest of us certainly could which was why we were honking at you to get back in your lane and put the phone down.
#3.  Passing on the right of a slow vehicle is usually a bad idea because speeds generally drop as you move to the right.  Tailgating the car in the right lane will not make them move any faster.
#4.  If needed other drivers will work together to box you in when you have shown that you are in such a hurry you are willing to put the rest of us at risk so you can hurry up and get to work to catch up on your slothing.
#5.  The K9 decal with the dogs picture on the side of your car, which is very similar if not identical to those used by law enforcement, will not endear you to the loving kind heart of the CHP motor officer behind me that has been watching your reckless driving for the last three miles.

WINNER!!  WINNER!!  WINNER!!

Let me know how many tickets you got when he caught up with you.  And thank you for the morning commute entertainment.

Incoming call

Yo Honda boy on Ruffin Road.  Stopping in the middle of the street to answer your phone does not count as parking.  See that big open area with all the white lines next to you?  That's called a parking lot.  Had you driven in there and brought your vehicle to a complete stop between any two said white lines you would then have been officially parked and therefore not subject to the public humiliation of being an example for one my famous PSA's.

Am I not going fast enough for you?

To the blonde in the red Mustang getting off the 15 south at CMB today.  Hint, it is against the law to change lanes during a turn or when going through an intersection.  Hence your attempt to cross two lanes and cut me off while making a right turn was not only illegal but unsuccessful.  It was quite entertaining to see you dive back to the right when you couldn't get in front of my wimpy little Neon and even more entertaining to see the smoke coming from your ears as my poor car fought valiantly against the never ending powers of gravity to climb the hill toward Ruffin Road with your powerhouse of a car stuck behind me.  Thankfully at the top of the hill I was able to quickly accelerate to 25 mph when I turned onto Ruffin Road, which apparently was still not fast enough for you as the smoke coming from your ears was now turning multiple colors.  Thankfully for your frazzled nerves you were able to change lanes and quickly reach 50 mph or so to get to your ever so important job,  Have a wonderful day Ma'am!!

Am I not going fast enough for you?

To the blonde in the red Mustang getting off the 15 south at CMB today.  Hint, it is against the law to change lanes during a turn or when going through an intersection.  Hence your attempt to cross two lanes and cut me off while making a right turn was not only illegal but unsuccessful.  It was quite entertaining to see you dive back to the right when you couldn't get in front of my wimpy little Neon and even more entertaining to see the smoke coming from your ears as my poor car fought valiantly against the never ending powers of gravity to climb the hill toward Ruffin Road with your powerhouse of a car stuck behind me.  Thankfully at the top of the hill I was able to quickly accelerate to 25 mph when I turned onto Ruffin Road, which apparently was still not fast enough for you as the smoke coming from your ears was now turning multiple colors.  Thankfully for your frazzled nerves you were able to change lanes and quickly reach 50 mph or so to get to your ever so important job,  Have a wonderful day Ma'am!!

My multiple personalities

Tonight I realized I really do have multiple personalities.  I walk out of a store and a guy is sitting in a car staring me down like he discovered I spit on his girlfriends lunch or something.

Badass Me says I should go over, not say a word and smack the living shit out of him before he realizes I am even there.

Funny Guy Me says I should walk over, laugh in his face and tell him he's a silly looking white guy and couldn't look mean and tough if his life counted on it, pat him on the top of the head and say "Nice try Son" and walk away laughing the whole time.

Swap meet

To the lady at the swap meet yesterday walking out carrying a nice brand new suitcase, "Ma'am those are called WHEELS that are mounted on your nice brand new suitcase. That means means you can roll it instead of carrying it."

Paper airplanes

Why is it when you drop a single sheet of paper it will glide and float all over the room avoiding all your attempts to catch it for 10 minutes but when you fold a piece of paper into a paper airplane it plummets to the ground like it was shot out the sky by a missile?

Happy Monday!!

Dear Funny Yet Extremely Mad Lady on the west 52 in the gray Ford Fusion:
Yes I saw you attempting to drive over the back of me and get into my back seat at 70 MPH this morning. Yes I was laughing hysterically at you as my foot mysteriously lost contact with the accelerator pedal causing my poor car to lose momentum and slow to about 60 MPH. Yes, again I was laughing hysterically as you appeared to be quite angry and yelling, screaming and waving at me as my foot found the accelerator pedal again and quickly increased my speed to 80 MPH just as you changed lanes in what I believe was an attempt to pass me on the right.

HAPPY MONDAY!!

Sinus flushes

Been having issues with sinus headaches this week. Tried a nasal flush treatment for the first time. HOLY SHIT!!!! I FEEL LIKE I'VE HAD A FIRE HOSE BLASTING MY HEAD APART FROM INSIDE!!!! Sinuses are clearing but I still feel like I'm in the deep end of the pool.

Vons Baggers

Dear Vons Bagger. The reason I bring these nice strong canvas shopping bags is to put groceries into, therefore making those groceries easier to carry. Canvas bags are much stronger than plastic bags and can actually handle gallon jugs of milk and juice and of course other heavy items. Having you put all the heavy items separate and unbagged in my cart defeats both the purpose of my bags and your job. In the future at least ask me if I would like these items bagged instead of burying them under everything else and letting me find them in the parking lot.

Cooking

We had a great steak and scalloped potato dinner tonite. I am teaching Lique about cooking now. She seems to really love getting in the kitchen and learning. I hope she learns more about cooking at a young age than I ever did. It's fun to be in the kitchen with her. It's something that I never did growing up and I am grateful that I can do this with her. I try to let her choose dinner as often as possible then help to prep and cook it. She is enjoying her growing role in life. Papa loves you Lique :)

Lique: Daddy, you know what's funny?

Me: You sitting on a stool when I have a front room full of good furniture.

Turn signals

Just a quick remedial course on turn signals today.

Turn signal: A mechanical device located on the steering wheel which activates an electrical circuit which in turn controls blinking lights located at the front and rear of a motor vehicle. The purpose of this two part system is to alert other drivers of your intent to turn or change lanes by using a blinking light as a signal, hence the term "turn signal". By pushing down or pulling up on the turn signal lever you activate the electrical part of the system and nothing more. The reason this is so important to remember is safety.

By activating your turn signal you do not magically have the power to make the car next to you disappear, thus making room for you in that lane!!! Nor does your turn signal mean that you can change lanes in front of a vehicle going much faster than you. If you can't operate the turn signal in sequence with the accelerator to safely change lanes without slowing traffic down in the process you should really consider buying a bus pass. It should be obvious to you at this point that you drive slower than a three legged sloth and have all the common sense of (insert your local dumbass politician's name here).

Subway Silliness

Subway refuses my money.

Had a coupon for buy one get one of equal or lesser value free. Well kinda......
Seems Acneboy says that the pastrami that I would pay full price for is a premium sandwich and the meatball marinara that Angel wanted is covered and should be free. But Acneboy says the coupon is not good for premium sandwiches. So I take a deep breath and explain to I would be paying FULL PRICE for the pastrami. Acneboy again says the coupon is no good for premium sandwiches. It seems I can't spend more money to get the free sandwich. Out the door we go with nothing. Here's yer sign!!

Welcome to my world.

I have been told I have a unique way of describing the things I see as we spin out of control on this rock we call Earth. So after a bit of thought and a bit of encouragement from a few friends I have decided to share with the rest of our round rock inhabitants my daily experiences with the Human race. I know the language may be a bit much sometimes but I will do my best to remain politically correct. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Sorry but if you know me at all you should know better. I hope you all enjoy.

ATM Adventure

60+ year old white lady with dreadlocks doing her best Rastafarian act at the ATM: Are you waiting for the machine?
Me: Yes Ma'am.
Granny Marley: Can you stand farther away?
Me: I can't get any farther away without being in the parking lot.
Granny Marley: There's a law against being too close.
Me: Lady I have a little girl with me. You think I am going to mug you with my daughter here?

Proper way to make a left turn: Slow and activate left turn signal. Check for clear traffic and make left turn.

Improper way to make left turn: Pull to the right just enough so the vehicle behind you cannot get past and stop for no fucking reason. Look around like the single-digit IQ knucklehead you are, realize you have no idea what the hell you are doing operating a motor vehicle and then make left turn from the far right side of the road IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!