It ain't always easy

I wonder if things will ever get calmed down in my life sometimes. 

In 2016 I dealt with my father being diagnosed with Dementia and his wife placing him in a nursing home. Lique and I were able to go over at Easter and see him. That wasn't easy as anyone who has dealt with this knows. His attention span and ability to stay awake and sitting up are both very short. Over three days we spent less than 30 minutes with him. My father is a veteran and my personal hero. To see him alone and sad was very painful for us. We'll try to go over again soon to see him and spend what little time we can with him. 

Finances and car issues hit in 2016. I did receive some help from a close friend in dealing with these. I was grateful and humbled by this unexpected generosity. As grateful as I was to get help I still struggle get back to the place in life where I am comfortable financially. This is where a single parent really understands the meaning of sacrifice. I sometimes feel as if my kids don't get all they deserve. Trying to right that in my mind is not easy. I pray for guidance and wisdom on a regular basis. 

I start 2017 as I ended 2016. Struggling, hopeful and praying. I have been on my current job for 2 years now and that has been a big part of keeping my self esteem up. I have been blessed with finding a job that allows me to work independently and spend my time & effort taking care of of other folks. I hope for many more years working with the great people around me. 

Whatever happens this year I know things will be good and things will be bad. I will be okay, then I won't be okay then I will be okay again. I accept that because I know that's life and it ain't always easy.

Dating as a single father.

A friend asked me about dating today.  There's something I think about and hate to think about. 

I haven't been on what I would call a date in several years.  Can't even remember the last time to tell you the truth.  When I divorced I went through a long period of time when all I thought about was failing at marriage and never wanting to do it again.  Dating wasn't even an option.  Growing up I was always shy when it came to girls.  I had one girlfriend in 8th grade and none after that all the way through high school.  After my divorce I felt like I did as a kid.  I was so afraid of being around women, let alone dating anyone.  I took over two years before I started thinking about it finally.  I probably spent about another 2-3 years trying to meet new women and going out with a few, none of them long term or serious.

When I did go out I fought my own insecurities, the inability to make a good match and jealousy issues relating to being a single father.  I couldn't find a woman I was really comfortable being with.  The fears and second thoughts were always right under the surface.  I never opened up to anyone about those fears or my inability to feel at ease.  

There was a time when I was with someone and my daughter called and wanted to come home.  Her mom was not living in a very good place and agreed to let her come home if she wanted.  I made the decision to break off the date and bring my daughter home.  Not popular with some people I know but being a parent was the only thing I knew I was really good at doing so I brought her home.  That dating relationship didn't last long after that.  

I had someone else that decided I needed a woman to take care of my daughter and she was willing to move in and do that for me.  I have asked for advice many times when it comes to raising girls but I have never thought for a second that I needed a woman in my home to help me raise my daughter.  That shot at a relationship wasn't very good either.

I will say I do get lonely sometimes but I can't make decisions because of that.  My father went through the same thing had two marriages that I could never imagine going through.  People say you will find someone when you're not looking.  Well I haven't been looking for about 5 years now and here I sit, still alone.  I have on a few occasions asked a couple of women out but they refused.  My best friend is a female from my high school years.  Ironically we were only a year apart then but didn't know each other in school.  We get together for movies and/or a meal about once a month or so.  The women I have asked out have always said no because they thought I was already dating.  When I tell them how things are they seem not to believe me and still won't go out with me. 

So yes I think about dating and I hate to think about dating.  It is still a scary thing for me and I haven't found a way to make it work yet.  One day maybe but not today.

Accepting doubt

I have pretty well settled into my job at this point.  It's been almost 6 months and I have established myself and become a part of the daily operations of a non-profit medical clinic.  Despite that I still have moments of doubt.  Too many years of working with people that in the long run were only out for themselves.  I realize I have become very critical of people but at the same time I still have a great desire to help others.  It is that desire that gets me going each morning and keeps me looking for the good in people all day at work.  I am in a great mood most of the time because I realize that everything can go haywire in a hurry.  

I have had life changing moments that have had a long lingering effect on me.  I accept that as part of my life.  By trying to remain upbeat and happy the more serious times are easier to handle.  I try to save my deep thinking times for home, usually at night after my daughter has gone to bed.  It's a good way for me to clear my head, rest and be ready for a new day.  As I sit here writing this I am already feeling better about things.  My doubting moments will always be there but I know I have the ability to get past them.

New job

I started a new job in Dec 2014 after 8 months out of work.  I learned a lot about humility and stress during those 8 months.  There were many tears and nights of restless sleep as I wondered if I would find a job again.  5 interviews in 8 months is all I had, despite putting out well over 100 applications.  That really took a toll on my self esteem.  Thankfully I had friends to help keep my spirits up and other activities to keep me busy.  

The new job ended up being Security again but unlike anything I have ever worked before.  I work for a Non Profit Medical Clinic 3 blocks from home.  The atmosphere there is like nothing I have have ever experienced.  A wonderful group of people that want to be there every day.  I am learning about other cultures on a regular basis and making what I hope will be good friends with co-workers.  Paid holidays and PTO are great benefits also, which I have not had before anywhere.  Looking forward to learning much more as I progress in this this job.

Unemployed?

Lost my job after 9+ years in April.  This is the longest I have ever been out of work.  It was a new experience.  I have taken the time to help some folks out which keeps me busy.  Coached baseball also.  It felt really good to be back on a baseball field.  I needed to do something for my own self esteem and I have been blessed to be able to spend time with friends and kids from the old neighborhood during this down time. 

Unfortunately there have been some medical issues which I am hoping to get taken care of soon.  As a wonderful friend said "I seem to have fallen apart when I turned 50.  Thanks Q :)  Advil and heating pads have become my new bff's at night.  Looking forward to going back to work without being in pain on a regular basis.  

Losing my job was devastating at first but after getting through the initial shock I have found a level of comfort that helps me get through this.  Looking to get out of security work after 20+ years also.  I've decided at 50 that I really don't need the stress of 7/24 work. 

More later.......

God Bless You

Healing

Tonight Lique and I read about allowing God to heal us and how we are only hurting ourselves by trying to hide the pain from Him.  For many years I hid the pain from myself.  Maybe God knew about it but I didn't.  When I did realize it was there I was devastated, angry, hurt and distrustful.  As time went by the healing did come for all but the trust.  I don't know if that will ever fully come.  I have friends that I trust with no doubt.  Letting new people get close is a different thing.  I still have a hard time with that.  I think in some ways I have just accepted that this will always be a part of me.  

I know I do feel awfully alone sometimes but I also don't want to let someone into my life because I am lonely.  I look for a connection that feels like something special right away, be it a friendship or a relationship.  I have been blessed to have special folks in my life.  There are not many but there are those with whom I cherish the time we spend together.  To my few close friends I say "Thank You" 

As far as relationships I don't know if I necessarily believe in love at first sight but I know I want to feel something right away if I am to let that special woman in close.  I know there is still doubt, fear and lack of trust on my part.  But I also know I don't want to be that desperate person out trying to date every pretty woman that I see.  If I am to to be alone right now then I accept that.  I spend most of my time trying to be a good father and I know that has kept both women and friends at arms length from me.  I will not change that part of me for anyone.  It who I am meant to be and it is who I want to be.  

I believe in Angels.

I often sit and watch Angel and wonder just how I got to this place.  Growing up, I never imagined myself a parent let alone a single dad with a little girl.  I started this domestic thing late.  Married for the first time at 36.  A new father at almost 38.  I can look back and know many things were wrong with my marriage but the one thing I somehow knew I could do was the Dad thing.  

When the marriage fell apart all I had was Angel.  Gabby was gone, taken from me twice.  First by her mother, then by her father.  3000 miles away, I had lost her for the time being.  I wasn't losing Angel too.  I fought hard and cried many lonely nights through court battles for months.  But the day finally came when the judge sent her home with me for good.

We had some rough times.  Days were good as she loved school.  Nights were hard as she was no longer comfortable going to bed alone.  I spent many nights lying with her getting her settled down and off to sleep.  Gradually these sessions became shorter.  Soon I was just sitting on the edge of the bed for 5-10 minutes.  She got to the point where she would tell me it was okay for me to go.  She would be able to get to sleep by herself.

School was always the high point of her day.  I knew she was going to be okay there and I looked forward to the stories of her days over dinner.  She excelled in every way and I have to say I was amazed.  Emotionally she went through so much with the divorce and the changing dynamics of her mother's life but when she was in school she was in her realm.  

I have watched her go from the little girl I had to to walk to school to the big girl she is now, trying to decide which route to ride her bike back and forth to school.  She is still my daughter but she is also my friend and a much bigger part of the decision making at home.  She cooks, washes dishes and folds her own laundry.  

The one thing she still does is tells me when she is ready for bed.  We read our bible passages or readings every night and talk about them before she goes to sleep.  I realize as we do this that God was never discussed in my home growing up.  We went to church and Sunday School but never talked about it.  I thank God for giving me the wisdom and guidance every day to take care of my Angel.  For I know that she is His Angel too, sent to me when I needed her most.