Healing

Tonight Lique and I read about allowing God to heal us and how we are only hurting ourselves by trying to hide the pain from Him.  For many years I hid the pain from myself.  Maybe God knew about it but I didn't.  When I did realize it was there I was devastated, angry, hurt and distrustful.  As time went by the healing did come for all but the trust.  I don't know if that will ever fully come.  I have friends that I trust with no doubt.  Letting new people get close is a different thing.  I still have a hard time with that.  I think in some ways I have just accepted that this will always be a part of me.  

I know I do feel awfully alone sometimes but I also don't want to let someone into my life because I am lonely.  I look for a connection that feels like something special right away, be it a friendship or a relationship.  I have been blessed to have special folks in my life.  There are not many but there are those with whom I cherish the time we spend together.  To my few close friends I say "Thank You" 

As far as relationships I don't know if I necessarily believe in love at first sight but I know I want to feel something right away if I am to let that special woman in close.  I know there is still doubt, fear and lack of trust on my part.  But I also know I don't want to be that desperate person out trying to date every pretty woman that I see.  If I am to to be alone right now then I accept that.  I spend most of my time trying to be a good father and I know that has kept both women and friends at arms length from me.  I will not change that part of me for anyone.  It who I am meant to be and it is who I want to be.