Dating as a single father.

A friend asked me about dating today.  There's something I think about and hate to think about. 

I haven't been on what I would call a date in several years.  Can't even remember the last time to tell you the truth.  When I divorced I went through a long period of time when all I thought about was failing at marriage and never wanting to do it again.  Dating wasn't even an option.  Growing up I was always shy when it came to girls.  I had one girlfriend in 8th grade and none after that all the way through high school.  After my divorce I felt like I did as a kid.  I was so afraid of being around women, let alone dating anyone.  I took over two years before I started thinking about it finally.  I probably spent about another 2-3 years trying to meet new women and going out with a few, none of them long term or serious.

When I did go out I fought my own insecurities, the inability to make a good match and jealousy issues relating to being a single father.  I couldn't find a woman I was really comfortable being with.  The fears and second thoughts were always right under the surface.  I never opened up to anyone about those fears or my inability to feel at ease.  

There was a time when I was with someone and my daughter called and wanted to come home.  Her mom was not living in a very good place and agreed to let her come home if she wanted.  I made the decision to break off the date and bring my daughter home.  Not popular with some people I know but being a parent was the only thing I knew I was really good at doing so I brought her home.  That dating relationship didn't last long after that.  

I had someone else that decided I needed a woman to take care of my daughter and she was willing to move in and do that for me.  I have asked for advice many times when it comes to raising girls but I have never thought for a second that I needed a woman in my home to help me raise my daughter.  That shot at a relationship wasn't very good either.

I will say I do get lonely sometimes but I can't make decisions because of that.  My father went through the same thing had two marriages that I could never imagine going through.  People say you will find someone when you're not looking.  Well I haven't been looking for about 5 years now and here I sit, still alone.  I have on a few occasions asked a couple of women out but they refused.  My best friend is a female from my high school years.  Ironically we were only a year apart then but didn't know each other in school.  We get together for movies and/or a meal about once a month or so.  The women I have asked out have always said no because they thought I was already dating.  When I tell them how things are they seem not to believe me and still won't go out with me. 

So yes I think about dating and I hate to think about dating.  It is still a scary thing for me and I haven't found a way to make it work yet.  One day maybe but not today.

Accepting doubt

I have pretty well settled into my job at this point.  It's been almost 6 months and I have established myself and become a part of the daily operations of a non-profit medical clinic.  Despite that I still have moments of doubt.  Too many years of working with people that in the long run were only out for themselves.  I realize I have become very critical of people but at the same time I still have a great desire to help others.  It is that desire that gets me going each morning and keeps me looking for the good in people all day at work.  I am in a great mood most of the time because I realize that everything can go haywire in a hurry.  

I have had life changing moments that have had a long lingering effect on me.  I accept that as part of my life.  By trying to remain upbeat and happy the more serious times are easier to handle.  I try to save my deep thinking times for home, usually at night after my daughter has gone to bed.  It's a good way for me to clear my head, rest and be ready for a new day.  As I sit here writing this I am already feeling better about things.  My doubting moments will always be there but I know I have the ability to get past them.

New job

I started a new job in Dec 2014 after 8 months out of work.  I learned a lot about humility and stress during those 8 months.  There were many tears and nights of restless sleep as I wondered if I would find a job again.  5 interviews in 8 months is all I had, despite putting out well over 100 applications.  That really took a toll on my self esteem.  Thankfully I had friends to help keep my spirits up and other activities to keep me busy.  

The new job ended up being Security again but unlike anything I have ever worked before.  I work for a Non Profit Medical Clinic 3 blocks from home.  The atmosphere there is like nothing I have have ever experienced.  A wonderful group of people that want to be there every day.  I am learning about other cultures on a regular basis and making what I hope will be good friends with co-workers.  Paid holidays and PTO are great benefits also, which I have not had before anywhere.  Looking forward to learning much more as I progress in this this job.