Tonight Lique and I read about allowing God to heal us and how we are only hurting ourselves by trying to hide the pain from Him. For many years I hid the pain from myself. Maybe God knew about it but I didn't. When I did realize it was there I was devastated, angry, hurt and distrustful. As time went by the healing did come for all but the trust. I don't know if that will ever fully come. I have friends that I trust with no doubt. Letting new people get close is a different thing. I still have a hard time with that. I think in some ways I have just accepted that this will always be a part of me.
I know I do feel awfully alone sometimes but I also don't want to let someone into my life because I am lonely. I look for a connection that feels like something special right away, be it a friendship or a relationship. I have been blessed to have special folks in my life. There are not many but there are those with whom I cherish the time we spend together. To my few close friends I say "Thank You"
As far as relationships I don't know if I necessarily believe in love at first sight but I know I want to feel something right away if I am to let that special woman in close. I know there is still doubt, fear and lack of trust on my part. But I also know I don't want to be that desperate person out trying to date every pretty woman that I see. If I am to to be alone right now then I accept that. I spend most of my time trying to be a good father and I know that has kept both women and friends at arms length from me. I will not change that part of me for anyone. It who I am meant to be and it is who I want to be.
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Monday, August 5, 2013
I believe in Angels.
I often sit and watch Angel and wonder just how I got to this place. Growing up, I never imagined myself a parent let alone a single dad with a little girl. I started this domestic thing late. Married for the first time at 36. A new father at almost 38. I can look back and know many things were wrong with my marriage but the one thing I somehow knew I could do was the Dad thing.
When the marriage fell apart all I had was Angel. Gabby was gone, taken from me twice. First by her mother, then by her father. 3000 miles away, I had lost her for the time being. I wasn't losing Angel too. I fought hard and cried many lonely nights through court battles for months. But the day finally came when the judge sent her home with me for good.
We had some rough times. Days were good as she loved school. Nights were hard as she was no longer comfortable going to bed alone. I spent many nights lying with her getting her settled down and off to sleep. Gradually these sessions became shorter. Soon I was just sitting on the edge of the bed for 5-10 minutes. She got to the point where she would tell me it was okay for me to go. She would be able to get to sleep by herself.
School was always the high point of her day. I knew she was going to be okay there and I looked forward to the stories of her days over dinner. She excelled in every way and I have to say I was amazed. Emotionally she went through so much with the divorce and the changing dynamics of her mother's life but when she was in school she was in her realm.
I have watched her go from the little girl I had to to walk to school to the big girl she is now, trying to decide which route to ride her bike back and forth to school. She is still my daughter but she is also my friend and a much bigger part of the decision making at home. She cooks, washes dishes and folds her own laundry.
The one thing she still does is tells me when she is ready for bed. We read our bible passages or readings every night and talk about them before she goes to sleep. I realize as we do this that God was never discussed in my home growing up. We went to church and Sunday School but never talked about it. I thank God for giving me the wisdom and guidance every day to take care of my Angel. For I know that she is His Angel too, sent to me when I needed her most.
When the marriage fell apart all I had was Angel. Gabby was gone, taken from me twice. First by her mother, then by her father. 3000 miles away, I had lost her for the time being. I wasn't losing Angel too. I fought hard and cried many lonely nights through court battles for months. But the day finally came when the judge sent her home with me for good.
We had some rough times. Days were good as she loved school. Nights were hard as she was no longer comfortable going to bed alone. I spent many nights lying with her getting her settled down and off to sleep. Gradually these sessions became shorter. Soon I was just sitting on the edge of the bed for 5-10 minutes. She got to the point where she would tell me it was okay for me to go. She would be able to get to sleep by herself.
School was always the high point of her day. I knew she was going to be okay there and I looked forward to the stories of her days over dinner. She excelled in every way and I have to say I was amazed. Emotionally she went through so much with the divorce and the changing dynamics of her mother's life but when she was in school she was in her realm.
I have watched her go from the little girl I had to to walk to school to the big girl she is now, trying to decide which route to ride her bike back and forth to school. She is still my daughter but she is also my friend and a much bigger part of the decision making at home. She cooks, washes dishes and folds her own laundry.
The one thing she still does is tells me when she is ready for bed. We read our bible passages or readings every night and talk about them before she goes to sleep. I realize as we do this that God was never discussed in my home growing up. We went to church and Sunday School but never talked about it. I thank God for giving me the wisdom and guidance every day to take care of my Angel. For I know that she is His Angel too, sent to me when I needed her most.
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