Rules for dating my daughter

RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a Black Hawk chopper coming in over a san hill near Mogadishu. When my PTSD starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is me.

Disappointed but not shocked.

In the aftermath of the Boston Marathon bombings I notice it didn't take long for the conspiracy theorists to surface.  I've seen folks already claiming our government is behind the bombings.  As much as my heart goes out to those directly affected by this incident, my blood runs cold when I read the asinine claims made by the uninformed.  You have the right to your opinion and I do not argue that point.  But I have no more sympathy for you than I do for the bombers.  You both  deserve to rot in hell.  

I am probably shocking some folks right now but know that I also have freedom of speech and I do tend to get a bit blunt sometimes.  I will protect my family and friends with a level of passion and love that most people cannot understand.  The opposite side of that coin is that I will oppose those that seek to harm my family and friends with a willingness to do whatever it takes to be sure we walk away and you do not.

To those making your outlandish and uninformed claims, you show absolutely no sympathy for your fellow citizens.  You use their suffering to promote your own political views.  You are a sad specimen of the human race.  

I know this isn't my normal humorous writing style but I am just not feeling very funny today.

Love and Hate

Love and Hate.  They walk separate and together.  Can you tell which one walks with you?  Unfortunately I have seen the bad side of many people in my life but I accept that and know it's the choices I have made that lead me down this road.  What I try not to do is harbor hate towards anyone.  It saddens me to see so many people professing their love in God and Jesus yet so instantly willing to turn on their fellow man for petty reasons.  No matter how you look at it, this is hypocrisy.  One day they will have to answer for this.  What is it that fills your heart with so much hate.  Can you not walk away and be happy in your own life?  

I grew up in not the greatest of circumstances or neighborhoods.  There was violence and hate both inside and outside the home.  I could have easily followed the path of violence and hate.  God knows I have wrestled my own temper and the beast inside.  I have recently been forced into physically defending myself and I didn't like it.  I hurt someone and I was not proud of it.  That is why I find it so troubling that so many people seem willing to allow hate into their so-called loving lives.  They talk about hurting someone in the name of love.  How do you justify that to your God.  Walk away.  You have the choice to love or hate.  When you get to the point of hate it's time to stop, pray and walk away.

Do we learn from our mistakes?

We would all like to believe that we learn from our mistakes but is that really true all the time?  It seems to me that in this day and age of so much information at our fingertips we still choose to make the rash decisions that cause pain and hurt to others.  

When you profess loyalty to your friends are your eyes and soul open to that friend?  If not your loyalty is blind.  Would you hate someone because your friend told to you to hate that person?  What if that person were also a friend.  Do you blindly hate or do you try to find a way to resolve the problem between them?  Are you really ready to throw away one friend over another friend's personal issues?  You cannot tell the world how strong your faith in God is if you profess the willingness to hate so strongly. 

How many times have you done this?  How many times have you even realized you did this?  Did you learn from it the first time?  The second time?  When?  Life's greatest teacher is humility.  Humility only works when looking in the mirror at your own life.  I ask again have you learned from your mistakes?  Can you learn from your mistakes?  Are you humble enough to learn from your mistakes?  Are you willing to learn from your mistakes?

I have spent many years studying other people.  I learned much from doing so but I learned much more when I stopped to study myself and make my own decisions.