New job

I started a new job in Dec 2014 after 8 months out of work.  I learned a lot about humility and stress during those 8 months.  There were many tears and nights of restless sleep as I wondered if I would find a job again.  5 interviews in 8 months is all I had, despite putting out well over 100 applications.  That really took a toll on my self esteem.  Thankfully I had friends to help keep my spirits up and other activities to keep me busy.  

The new job ended up being Security again but unlike anything I have ever worked before.  I work for a Non Profit Medical Clinic 3 blocks from home.  The atmosphere there is like nothing I have have ever experienced.  A wonderful group of people that want to be there every day.  I am learning about other cultures on a regular basis and making what I hope will be good friends with co-workers.  Paid holidays and PTO are great benefits also, which I have not had before anywhere.  Looking forward to learning much more as I progress in this this job.

Unemployed?

Lost my job after 9+ years in April.  This is the longest I have ever been out of work.  It was a new experience.  I have taken the time to help some folks out which keeps me busy.  Coached baseball also.  It felt really good to be back on a baseball field.  I needed to do something for my own self esteem and I have been blessed to be able to spend time with friends and kids from the old neighborhood during this down time. 

Unfortunately there have been some medical issues which I am hoping to get taken care of soon.  As a wonderful friend said "I seem to have fallen apart when I turned 50.  Thanks Q :)  Advil and heating pads have become my new bff's at night.  Looking forward to going back to work without being in pain on a regular basis.  

Losing my job was devastating at first but after getting through the initial shock I have found a level of comfort that helps me get through this.  Looking to get out of security work after 20+ years also.  I've decided at 50 that I really don't need the stress of 7/24 work. 

More later.......

God Bless You

Healing

Tonight Lique and I read about allowing God to heal us and how we are only hurting ourselves by trying to hide the pain from Him.  For many years I hid the pain from myself.  Maybe God knew about it but I didn't.  When I did realize it was there I was devastated, angry, hurt and distrustful.  As time went by the healing did come for all but the trust.  I don't know if that will ever fully come.  I have friends that I trust with no doubt.  Letting new people get close is a different thing.  I still have a hard time with that.  I think in some ways I have just accepted that this will always be a part of me.  

I know I do feel awfully alone sometimes but I also don't want to let someone into my life because I am lonely.  I look for a connection that feels like something special right away, be it a friendship or a relationship.  I have been blessed to have special folks in my life.  There are not many but there are those with whom I cherish the time we spend together.  To my few close friends I say "Thank You" 

As far as relationships I don't know if I necessarily believe in love at first sight but I know I want to feel something right away if I am to let that special woman in close.  I know there is still doubt, fear and lack of trust on my part.  But I also know I don't want to be that desperate person out trying to date every pretty woman that I see.  If I am to to be alone right now then I accept that.  I spend most of my time trying to be a good father and I know that has kept both women and friends at arms length from me.  I will not change that part of me for anyone.  It who I am meant to be and it is who I want to be.  

I believe in Angels.

I often sit and watch Angel and wonder just how I got to this place.  Growing up, I never imagined myself a parent let alone a single dad with a little girl.  I started this domestic thing late.  Married for the first time at 36.  A new father at almost 38.  I can look back and know many things were wrong with my marriage but the one thing I somehow knew I could do was the Dad thing.  

When the marriage fell apart all I had was Angel.  Gabby was gone, taken from me twice.  First by her mother, then by her father.  3000 miles away, I had lost her for the time being.  I wasn't losing Angel too.  I fought hard and cried many lonely nights through court battles for months.  But the day finally came when the judge sent her home with me for good.

We had some rough times.  Days were good as she loved school.  Nights were hard as she was no longer comfortable going to bed alone.  I spent many nights lying with her getting her settled down and off to sleep.  Gradually these sessions became shorter.  Soon I was just sitting on the edge of the bed for 5-10 minutes.  She got to the point where she would tell me it was okay for me to go.  She would be able to get to sleep by herself.

School was always the high point of her day.  I knew she was going to be okay there and I looked forward to the stories of her days over dinner.  She excelled in every way and I have to say I was amazed.  Emotionally she went through so much with the divorce and the changing dynamics of her mother's life but when she was in school she was in her realm.  

I have watched her go from the little girl I had to to walk to school to the big girl she is now, trying to decide which route to ride her bike back and forth to school.  She is still my daughter but she is also my friend and a much bigger part of the decision making at home.  She cooks, washes dishes and folds her own laundry.  

The one thing she still does is tells me when she is ready for bed.  We read our bible passages or readings every night and talk about them before she goes to sleep.  I realize as we do this that God was never discussed in my home growing up.  We went to church and Sunday School but never talked about it.  I thank God for giving me the wisdom and guidance every day to take care of my Angel.  For I know that she is His Angel too, sent to me when I needed her most.

My Girls

Gabby graduated high school last week.  Angel finishes elementary school next week.  As a father I could not be more proud of both of them.  With everything they have been through they have not only kept their grades up they have excelled.  Gabby was a mid-term graduate.  Angel has consistently tested advanced at the state level each year.  I am blessed and grateful when I think of what they have done and know what they are capable of doing in the future.  I frequently find myself wanting to just sit back and watch them.  They are so smart, loving, compassionate and funny.  They love each other unconditionally and support each other in every way.  They have a very unique and special relationship and you can see the strength they give each other.  They are very funny, especially when teaming up on their father for a Pick on Papa session.  I pray that they always keep this closeness.  It wasn't always there but they have realized how much they love each other and have done everything possible to show and grow that love each day.  

Watching them grow and mature has been the thrill of my life.  I will continue to be thrilled, amazed and proud of them forever.  I still stop and think about my own childhood & early adult years and wonder how I ever got from there to having daughters.  With each day I will give thanks and praise to God for giving me two such special girls. 

I Am Me And I Am Human

Inspired by  Not That Different, a song from Collin Raye

I laugh,
I love,
I hope,
I try.
I hurt,
I need,
I fear,
I cry.

I laugh because my wonderful Angel fills my days with fun.

I love because it it feels so good and it is so easy to do.

I hope because without it I am no longer looking forward.

I try because I don't know if I will succeed or fail.

I hurt because nothing I do is ever guaranteed to make me happy.

I need because I am not perfect and I do not have all the answers.

I fear because eyes cannot see the unknown and my heart cannot feel the unknown.

I cry because it cleanses my fearful mind & heart and allows me to begin to heal.

I Am Me And I Am Human

Tolerance

Tolerance or toleration a fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward those whose opinions, practices, race, religion, nationality, etc., differ from one's own; freedom from bigotry.

Seeing this definition I have to ask if many people have ever read it.  It seems to me that anytime I hear tolerance used it is only being discussed on one side of the argument.  That seems a little self defeating to me.  The more noise, arguments and publicity given to whatever folks choose to complaint about merely serves as more fuel on the proverbial fire.  

We praise our country as being free while at the same time we seem to seek to restrict opinion and speech if it doesn't agree with this week's cause. When did the ability to have an opinion and state that opinion become wrong?  Good, bad or neutral every person has a right to their own opinion and should not be persecuted or prosecuted for expressing that opinion.

Preach not with one hand while the other swings a murderous sword.

I have heard many people preach The Word of God one day and swear blind allegiance and willingness to bring violence against the "enemies" of their friends the next day.  To you I ask "Where in the Bible does it tell you this is right?"

When I was a boy I was taught quite simply if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all.  There is a fine line between this and expressing your own opinion.  We all know there are many people that profess hate, bigotry, racism and sexism and wield these as weapons of hate.  As horrible as all these may be, none are against the law and all are opinions.  Stand for what you believe but think hard about how you do that.  Are you doing it from a place of love or a place of hate?

I know I seem to have less patience for people as I get older.  I don't know if that's good or bad but I simply refuse to participate in the degradation of human relations that seems to be all around us.  When I smile and say HI to a stranger on the street I feel sorry for him that he cannot return the greeting and chooses to look down at the ground instead.

Have we learned Tolerance or have we actually just use it as another way to segregate ourselves from others?