It ain't always easy

I wonder if things will ever get calmed down in my life sometimes. 

In 2016 I dealt with my father being diagnosed with Dementia and his wife placing him in a nursing home. Lique and I were able to go over at Easter and see him. That wasn't easy as anyone who has dealt with this knows. His attention span and ability to stay awake and sitting up are both very short. Over three days we spent less than 30 minutes with him. My father is a veteran and my personal hero. To see him alone and sad was very painful for us. We'll try to go over again soon to see him and spend what little time we can with him. 

Finances and car issues hit in 2016. I did receive some help from a close friend in dealing with these. I was grateful and humbled by this unexpected generosity. As grateful as I was to get help I still struggle get back to the place in life where I am comfortable financially. This is where a single parent really understands the meaning of sacrifice. I sometimes feel as if my kids don't get all they deserve. Trying to right that in my mind is not easy. I pray for guidance and wisdom on a regular basis. 

I start 2017 as I ended 2016. Struggling, hopeful and praying. I have been on my current job for 2 years now and that has been a big part of keeping my self esteem up. I have been blessed with finding a job that allows me to work independently and spend my time & effort taking care of of other folks. I hope for many more years working with the great people around me. 

Whatever happens this year I know things will be good and things will be bad. I will be okay, then I won't be okay then I will be okay again. I accept that because I know that's life and it ain't always easy.

Dating as a single father.

A friend asked me about dating today.  There's something I think about and hate to think about. 

I haven't been on what I would call a date in several years.  Can't even remember the last time to tell you the truth.  When I divorced I went through a long period of time when all I thought about was failing at marriage and never wanting to do it again.  Dating wasn't even an option.  Growing up I was always shy when it came to girls.  I had one girlfriend in 8th grade and none after that all the way through high school.  After my divorce I felt like I did as a kid.  I was so afraid of being around women, let alone dating anyone.  I took over two years before I started thinking about it finally.  I probably spent about another 2-3 years trying to meet new women and going out with a few, none of them long term or serious.

When I did go out I fought my own insecurities, the inability to make a good match and jealousy issues relating to being a single father.  I couldn't find a woman I was really comfortable being with.  The fears and second thoughts were always right under the surface.  I never opened up to anyone about those fears or my inability to feel at ease.  

There was a time when I was with someone and my daughter called and wanted to come home.  Her mom was not living in a very good place and agreed to let her come home if she wanted.  I made the decision to break off the date and bring my daughter home.  Not popular with some people I know but being a parent was the only thing I knew I was really good at doing so I brought her home.  That dating relationship didn't last long after that.  

I had someone else that decided I needed a woman to take care of my daughter and she was willing to move in and do that for me.  I have asked for advice many times when it comes to raising girls but I have never thought for a second that I needed a woman in my home to help me raise my daughter.  That shot at a relationship wasn't very good either.

I will say I do get lonely sometimes but I can't make decisions because of that.  My father went through the same thing had two marriages that I could never imagine going through.  People say you will find someone when you're not looking.  Well I haven't been looking for about 5 years now and here I sit, still alone.  I have on a few occasions asked a couple of women out but they refused.  My best friend is a female from my high school years.  Ironically we were only a year apart then but didn't know each other in school.  We get together for movies and/or a meal about once a month or so.  The women I have asked out have always said no because they thought I was already dating.  When I tell them how things are they seem not to believe me and still won't go out with me. 

So yes I think about dating and I hate to think about dating.  It is still a scary thing for me and I haven't found a way to make it work yet.  One day maybe but not today.

Accepting doubt

I have pretty well settled into my job at this point.  It's been almost 6 months and I have established myself and become a part of the daily operations of a non-profit medical clinic.  Despite that I still have moments of doubt.  Too many years of working with people that in the long run were only out for themselves.  I realize I have become very critical of people but at the same time I still have a great desire to help others.  It is that desire that gets me going each morning and keeps me looking for the good in people all day at work.  I am in a great mood most of the time because I realize that everything can go haywire in a hurry.  

I have had life changing moments that have had a long lingering effect on me.  I accept that as part of my life.  By trying to remain upbeat and happy the more serious times are easier to handle.  I try to save my deep thinking times for home, usually at night after my daughter has gone to bed.  It's a good way for me to clear my head, rest and be ready for a new day.  As I sit here writing this I am already feeling better about things.  My doubting moments will always be there but I know I have the ability to get past them.

New job

I started a new job in Dec 2014 after 8 months out of work.  I learned a lot about humility and stress during those 8 months.  There were many tears and nights of restless sleep as I wondered if I would find a job again.  5 interviews in 8 months is all I had, despite putting out well over 100 applications.  That really took a toll on my self esteem.  Thankfully I had friends to help keep my spirits up and other activities to keep me busy.  

The new job ended up being Security again but unlike anything I have ever worked before.  I work for a Non Profit Medical Clinic 3 blocks from home.  The atmosphere there is like nothing I have have ever experienced.  A wonderful group of people that want to be there every day.  I am learning about other cultures on a regular basis and making what I hope will be good friends with co-workers.  Paid holidays and PTO are great benefits also, which I have not had before anywhere.  Looking forward to learning much more as I progress in this this job.

Unemployed?

Lost my job after 9+ years in April.  This is the longest I have ever been out of work.  It was a new experience.  I have taken the time to help some folks out which keeps me busy.  Coached baseball also.  It felt really good to be back on a baseball field.  I needed to do something for my own self esteem and I have been blessed to be able to spend time with friends and kids from the old neighborhood during this down time. 

Unfortunately there have been some medical issues which I am hoping to get taken care of soon.  As a wonderful friend said "I seem to have fallen apart when I turned 50.  Thanks Q :)  Advil and heating pads have become my new bff's at night.  Looking forward to going back to work without being in pain on a regular basis.  

Losing my job was devastating at first but after getting through the initial shock I have found a level of comfort that helps me get through this.  Looking to get out of security work after 20+ years also.  I've decided at 50 that I really don't need the stress of 7/24 work. 

More later.......

God Bless You

Healing

Tonight Lique and I read about allowing God to heal us and how we are only hurting ourselves by trying to hide the pain from Him.  For many years I hid the pain from myself.  Maybe God knew about it but I didn't.  When I did realize it was there I was devastated, angry, hurt and distrustful.  As time went by the healing did come for all but the trust.  I don't know if that will ever fully come.  I have friends that I trust with no doubt.  Letting new people get close is a different thing.  I still have a hard time with that.  I think in some ways I have just accepted that this will always be a part of me.  

I know I do feel awfully alone sometimes but I also don't want to let someone into my life because I am lonely.  I look for a connection that feels like something special right away, be it a friendship or a relationship.  I have been blessed to have special folks in my life.  There are not many but there are those with whom I cherish the time we spend together.  To my few close friends I say "Thank You" 

As far as relationships I don't know if I necessarily believe in love at first sight but I know I want to feel something right away if I am to let that special woman in close.  I know there is still doubt, fear and lack of trust on my part.  But I also know I don't want to be that desperate person out trying to date every pretty woman that I see.  If I am to to be alone right now then I accept that.  I spend most of my time trying to be a good father and I know that has kept both women and friends at arms length from me.  I will not change that part of me for anyone.  It who I am meant to be and it is who I want to be.  

I believe in Angels.

I often sit and watch Angel and wonder just how I got to this place.  Growing up, I never imagined myself a parent let alone a single dad with a little girl.  I started this domestic thing late.  Married for the first time at 36.  A new father at almost 38.  I can look back and know many things were wrong with my marriage but the one thing I somehow knew I could do was the Dad thing.  

When the marriage fell apart all I had was Angel.  Gabby was gone, taken from me twice.  First by her mother, then by her father.  3000 miles away, I had lost her for the time being.  I wasn't losing Angel too.  I fought hard and cried many lonely nights through court battles for months.  But the day finally came when the judge sent her home with me for good.

We had some rough times.  Days were good as she loved school.  Nights were hard as she was no longer comfortable going to bed alone.  I spent many nights lying with her getting her settled down and off to sleep.  Gradually these sessions became shorter.  Soon I was just sitting on the edge of the bed for 5-10 minutes.  She got to the point where she would tell me it was okay for me to go.  She would be able to get to sleep by herself.

School was always the high point of her day.  I knew she was going to be okay there and I looked forward to the stories of her days over dinner.  She excelled in every way and I have to say I was amazed.  Emotionally she went through so much with the divorce and the changing dynamics of her mother's life but when she was in school she was in her realm.  

I have watched her go from the little girl I had to to walk to school to the big girl she is now, trying to decide which route to ride her bike back and forth to school.  She is still my daughter but she is also my friend and a much bigger part of the decision making at home.  She cooks, washes dishes and folds her own laundry.  

The one thing she still does is tells me when she is ready for bed.  We read our bible passages or readings every night and talk about them before she goes to sleep.  I realize as we do this that God was never discussed in my home growing up.  We went to church and Sunday School but never talked about it.  I thank God for giving me the wisdom and guidance every day to take care of my Angel.  For I know that she is His Angel too, sent to me when I needed her most.

My Girls

Gabby graduated high school last week.  Angel finishes elementary school next week.  As a father I could not be more proud of both of them.  With everything they have been through they have not only kept their grades up they have excelled.  Gabby was a mid-term graduate.  Angel has consistently tested advanced at the state level each year.  I am blessed and grateful when I think of what they have done and know what they are capable of doing in the future.  I frequently find myself wanting to just sit back and watch them.  They are so smart, loving, compassionate and funny.  They love each other unconditionally and support each other in every way.  They have a very unique and special relationship and you can see the strength they give each other.  They are very funny, especially when teaming up on their father for a Pick on Papa session.  I pray that they always keep this closeness.  It wasn't always there but they have realized how much they love each other and have done everything possible to show and grow that love each day.  

Watching them grow and mature has been the thrill of my life.  I will continue to be thrilled, amazed and proud of them forever.  I still stop and think about my own childhood & early adult years and wonder how I ever got from there to having daughters.  With each day I will give thanks and praise to God for giving me two such special girls. 

I Am Me And I Am Human

Inspired by  Not That Different, a song from Collin Raye

I laugh,
I love,
I hope,
I try.
I hurt,
I need,
I fear,
I cry.

I laugh because my wonderful Angel fills my days with fun.

I love because it it feels so good and it is so easy to do.

I hope because without it I am no longer looking forward.

I try because I don't know if I will succeed or fail.

I hurt because nothing I do is ever guaranteed to make me happy.

I need because I am not perfect and I do not have all the answers.

I fear because eyes cannot see the unknown and my heart cannot feel the unknown.

I cry because it cleanses my fearful mind & heart and allows me to begin to heal.

I Am Me And I Am Human

Tolerance

Tolerance or toleration a fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward those whose opinions, practices, race, religion, nationality, etc., differ from one's own; freedom from bigotry.

Seeing this definition I have to ask if many people have ever read it.  It seems to me that anytime I hear tolerance used it is only being discussed on one side of the argument.  That seems a little self defeating to me.  The more noise, arguments and publicity given to whatever folks choose to complaint about merely serves as more fuel on the proverbial fire.  

We praise our country as being free while at the same time we seem to seek to restrict opinion and speech if it doesn't agree with this week's cause. When did the ability to have an opinion and state that opinion become wrong?  Good, bad or neutral every person has a right to their own opinion and should not be persecuted or prosecuted for expressing that opinion.

Preach not with one hand while the other swings a murderous sword.

I have heard many people preach The Word of God one day and swear blind allegiance and willingness to bring violence against the "enemies" of their friends the next day.  To you I ask "Where in the Bible does it tell you this is right?"

When I was a boy I was taught quite simply if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all.  There is a fine line between this and expressing your own opinion.  We all know there are many people that profess hate, bigotry, racism and sexism and wield these as weapons of hate.  As horrible as all these may be, none are against the law and all are opinions.  Stand for what you believe but think hard about how you do that.  Are you doing it from a place of love or a place of hate?

I know I seem to have less patience for people as I get older.  I don't know if that's good or bad but I simply refuse to participate in the degradation of human relations that seems to be all around us.  When I smile and say HI to a stranger on the street I feel sorry for him that he cannot return the greeting and chooses to look down at the ground instead.

Have we learned Tolerance or have we actually just use it as another way to segregate ourselves from others? 

Gratitude

I am grateful for every day and every moment with my Lique.  The rescue of the three girls in Cleveland has really got my mind running on overdrive.  I went through some very hard times with my divorce and custody battle.  Many time going days without knowing where Lique was, enduring threats of her being taken from the country.  It took a heavy toll on me which I still feel to this day.  

I don't know if I could have lasted ten years not knowing where she was.  Hy heart goes out to those girls and their families.  I pray that they find the strength, guidance, wisdom, love and support to get through each day.  Their lives have changed in ways we can never even imagine.  They have had so much taken from them that they will never get back.  I hope they find the ability to grab onto life and experience the wonderful things again.

That little 6-year old girl is going to need everyone in her life.  Her life started the day she was rescued. She has missed preschool, kindergarten and many days at the park with other kids.  We all hope and pray that she finds some way to have a semblance of a childhood.  It is said that children heal emotionally better than adults.  I hope this is true for her sake.

My own emotions have been on such a roller coaster this week.  I can't begin to imagine what those girls are going through.  Each of us needs to stop and really express the gratitude not just for our children but to our children.  I know so much of my daily strength and gratitude comes directly from my Lique.  

May God Bless Each Of You.

I feel pain

I feel pain and for many years I was selfish and kept that pain to myself.  Sounds pretty silly doesn't it?  I kept it inside because as a man growing up you are not supposed to feel pain and if you do you certainly don't show it or share it with anyone.  Hence, I was selfish.  I was, for quite a long time very adept at back burnering pain and forgetting about it.  However what I didn't realize was though I may have left it on a back burner, that burner still produced heat.  When it hit the point where it overheated my life got real messy, real fast.  What I realized is pain is like good food.  It should be take off the burner altogether and shared with good friends and family.  There is a chance that that situation may not go well, but more times than not sharing it helps.  I know I had some things on that back burner for over 40 years.  When I did finally take it off and shared it you can bet that it was not a pleasant experience.  It brought out parts of me that I never knew existed. 

It is said by some that we are all capable of inflicting great harm upon out fellow man.  Only by acknowledging this fact and making a conscious decision to never forget it do we find a way to control it.  I have felt strong enough pain that I knew without a doubt I was capable of hurting someone badly yet by knowing that fact I am able to know that I won't hurt someone out of anger.

I know also that I share pain from other people.  I am drawn to it like a moth to light.  Not because of the pain they feel but because of the relief of pain that I know they will experience.  I do not seek out people in pain.  I believe they are put into my life so that by being there for them I can continue to grow and handle my own pain wisely.

Today still, I feel pain.

Rules for dating my daughter

RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a Black Hawk chopper coming in over a san hill near Mogadishu. When my PTSD starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is me.

Disappointed but not shocked.

In the aftermath of the Boston Marathon bombings I notice it didn't take long for the conspiracy theorists to surface.  I've seen folks already claiming our government is behind the bombings.  As much as my heart goes out to those directly affected by this incident, my blood runs cold when I read the asinine claims made by the uninformed.  You have the right to your opinion and I do not argue that point.  But I have no more sympathy for you than I do for the bombers.  You both  deserve to rot in hell.  

I am probably shocking some folks right now but know that I also have freedom of speech and I do tend to get a bit blunt sometimes.  I will protect my family and friends with a level of passion and love that most people cannot understand.  The opposite side of that coin is that I will oppose those that seek to harm my family and friends with a willingness to do whatever it takes to be sure we walk away and you do not.

To those making your outlandish and uninformed claims, you show absolutely no sympathy for your fellow citizens.  You use their suffering to promote your own political views.  You are a sad specimen of the human race.  

I know this isn't my normal humorous writing style but I am just not feeling very funny today.

Love and Hate

Love and Hate.  They walk separate and together.  Can you tell which one walks with you?  Unfortunately I have seen the bad side of many people in my life but I accept that and know it's the choices I have made that lead me down this road.  What I try not to do is harbor hate towards anyone.  It saddens me to see so many people professing their love in God and Jesus yet so instantly willing to turn on their fellow man for petty reasons.  No matter how you look at it, this is hypocrisy.  One day they will have to answer for this.  What is it that fills your heart with so much hate.  Can you not walk away and be happy in your own life?  

I grew up in not the greatest of circumstances or neighborhoods.  There was violence and hate both inside and outside the home.  I could have easily followed the path of violence and hate.  God knows I have wrestled my own temper and the beast inside.  I have recently been forced into physically defending myself and I didn't like it.  I hurt someone and I was not proud of it.  That is why I find it so troubling that so many people seem willing to allow hate into their so-called loving lives.  They talk about hurting someone in the name of love.  How do you justify that to your God.  Walk away.  You have the choice to love or hate.  When you get to the point of hate it's time to stop, pray and walk away.

Do we learn from our mistakes?

We would all like to believe that we learn from our mistakes but is that really true all the time?  It seems to me that in this day and age of so much information at our fingertips we still choose to make the rash decisions that cause pain and hurt to others.  

When you profess loyalty to your friends are your eyes and soul open to that friend?  If not your loyalty is blind.  Would you hate someone because your friend told to you to hate that person?  What if that person were also a friend.  Do you blindly hate or do you try to find a way to resolve the problem between them?  Are you really ready to throw away one friend over another friend's personal issues?  You cannot tell the world how strong your faith in God is if you profess the willingness to hate so strongly. 

How many times have you done this?  How many times have you even realized you did this?  Did you learn from it the first time?  The second time?  When?  Life's greatest teacher is humility.  Humility only works when looking in the mirror at your own life.  I ask again have you learned from your mistakes?  Can you learn from your mistakes?  Are you humble enough to learn from your mistakes?  Are you willing to learn from your mistakes?

I have spent many years studying other people.  I learned much from doing so but I learned much more when I stopped to study myself and make my own decisions.

Guns, common sense and information

Yes I am a gun owner and have been for years.  I carried a gun as part of my job for over ten years.  That being said there is nothing wrong with a little common sense and information when it comes to gun control.  Extreme views are going to unpopular and unrealistic on both sides of this sensitive issue.  Guns are not going away no we are not all going to be carrying fully auto weapons.

Do we have a gun problem in this country?  Yes and no and maybe and there really is no way to answer that question.
Yes we seem to have shootings in this country.  The problem is our media only wants to tell us about the "outrageous and terrible mass shootings".  Those are but a fraction of the shootings in part and homicides in whole in this country.  What happened in Aurora, Columbine, Newtown and so many other places is horrible and painful for the families and survivors.  But is it any less painful and horrible for the family of a little girl in Detroit, Chicago, New York or any other major city that is killed by a stray round fired by a gang banger?  Why do we not hear about those shootings from the national media?
No we do not have a gun problem in this country.  We have a people problem.  People are the ones pulling the triggers and people are the ones not holding people responsible for pulling triggers.  It's just easier to blame it on the evil guns so we don't have to address the human factor.
Maybe we have a gun problem because a lot of people are killed by guns every year and maybe we don't have a gun problem because a lot of people are killed by cars, knives, falls, industrial accidents, etc etc etc.
There really is no way to answer whether we have a gun problem or not because we can't seem to define the term "assault weapon" or "gun problem".

There!  Isn't that simple?  I hope I've made this whole thing easier for you to understand.

Store run!

Gotta love how a quick trip to the store can once again show me what is wrong on this planet.

Dear Bagboy, I really do not need my eggs pre-scrambled. I am quite competent in the kitchen and can manage this function myself.

As for all you skinny little buys with your britches hanging out, once again I will say if I want to look at boxers I will go the men's section in Walmart.

Women. At some point you have to realize you are too big for thongs. In fact either of your legs by itself would be too big for a thong. If you insist on wearing thongs you should at least consider a mumu to prevent severe vision loss from innocent bystanders such as myself.

Moon landing. Fact or fiction?

So a co-worker asked me if I believed in the moon landing. I said "No, it's always been in orbit, it's never landed anywhere."

I left him sobbing and mumbling.......

WINNER!! WINNER!! WINNER!!

Bear with me.  This guy is today's winner.

West 52 guy in the black 80s Mercury Grand Marquis this morning.
#1.  You were obviously very clever about hiding the fact you were talking on your cell phone while driving.  Leaning down low on the door armrest and barely holding the phone against your face as if you were leaning on your hand was a marvelous deception technique!  You would have had everyone fooled except for.........
#2.  You were leaning down so far to the left that you kept drifting into the lane to your left,  Could you not tell you were driving by Braille?  The rest of us certainly could which was why we were honking at you to get back in your lane and put the phone down.
#3.  Passing on the right of a slow vehicle is usually a bad idea because speeds generally drop as you move to the right.  Tailgating the car in the right lane will not make them move any faster.
#4.  If needed other drivers will work together to box you in when you have shown that you are in such a hurry you are willing to put the rest of us at risk so you can hurry up and get to work to catch up on your slothing.
#5.  The K9 decal with the dogs picture on the side of your car, which is very similar if not identical to those used by law enforcement, will not endear you to the loving kind heart of the CHP motor officer behind me that has been watching your reckless driving for the last three miles.

WINNER!!  WINNER!!  WINNER!!

Let me know how many tickets you got when he caught up with you.  And thank you for the morning commute entertainment.